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Old 2006-05-19, 00:35   #144
M29
 
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It is in today's news that Pope Benedict XVI has bird flu.

He caught it from a Cardinal.
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Old 2006-05-19, 03:57   #145
mfgoode
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Smile Yo Momma!

[QUOTE=ewmayer]Risible new subtheme - e.g.


Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said moving.

Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.

Yo mama's so damn stupid on a job application it said "sex" and she wrote Monday wednesday and sometimes friday.

Mally
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Old 2006-05-20, 10:48   #146
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A young man was wandering around the zoo looking at the animals.
He suddenly remembered an appointment that he scheduled.

He saw a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me sir,"
said the young man, "do you know what time it is?"

The zoo keeper crouched under the elephant, grabbed one of its
testicles in each hand, and weighed them thoughtfully. "It is 3:05
exactly," he said as he stood up.

The young man stared at the zoo keeper in awe, "How did you do that?"

The zoo keeper stared back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the
wall behind you."
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Old 2006-06-17, 17:09   #147
mfgoode
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Default Girls night out!


Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out, but they had had a few too many Bacardi breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so they stopped in the cemetery.
Neither of them had anything to wipe with so the first one thought quickly - she would take off her panties, use them and throw them away.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to lose them. Luckily she found a large ribbon on a wreath that was hanging on one of the graves. She proceeded to wipe with that.


After the girls took care of business, they headed home. The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said,


"Listen, these damn girls' nights out are gonna stop. Would you believe my wife came home last night with no panties?"


"Tell me about it," said the other guy. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, "From all of us at the fire station. We will never forget you!"

Mally
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Old 2006-06-17, 20:54   #148
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This is claimed to be a true story from an unnamed author...

"We have a friend who is president of his homeowner's association in Washington. They are having a terrible problem with trash on the side of the road that is around his association's homes.The reason according to Wallace (my friend) is, there is being built just next to them, six new homes.....big ones! Wallace said the trash is coming from the Mexican work crews working at the construction sites. (McDonald Bags, Burger King trash, etc). He has pleaded with the site supervisors and the general contractor to no avail, called the City,County, the Police and got no help. So..................guess what some people in his community did? They organized about twenty folks, named themselves The "Inner Neighborhood Services" to go out at lunch time and "police" the trash themselves. It is what they did while picking up the trash that is HILARIOUS ! They got some navy blue baseball caps and had the initials "INS" in bright yellow put on the caps. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, however, to understand what they hoped people would think it means.

"Well the day after their first pick up detail, with them wearing their caps and some carrying cameras; 46 out of 68, of the construction workers did not show up for work the next morning.............and haven't come back yet, and it's been ten days.

"Now the General Contractor, we understand is madder than hell, but can't say anything publicly, because he could be busted for hiring "illegal aliens". Wallace and his bunch can't be accused of impersonating INS folks, because they have it on their home owner assoc iation records the vote to form the new committee within their association, plus they informed the INS about what they were doing in advance, and the INS said basically according to Wallace.............."have at it"!"
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Old 2006-06-30, 06:15   #149
mfgoode
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Thumbs up Getting ahead.


There has been a time when everyone tends to get ahead of everyone else some by sheer hard work and the acquisition of more knowledge. But others get ahead by dubious means not really by achieving it the hard and honest way but never the less they are more successful. If you have worked in mega corporations and not confined to your ivory tower you will realise the truth of the secret I am about to give but I would not advise you to use it as such but to be aware of it.
Well as usual we employ mathematics to help us out of this difficult situation.

Mathematics
>>
>>
>>From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
>>
>>What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever
>>wonder about
>>those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
>>been to
>>those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
>>achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
>>
>>Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
>>these
>>questions:
>>
>>If:
>>A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>>
>>is represented as:
>>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
>>26.
>>
>>Then:
>>
>>H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
>>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>>
>>and
>>
>>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>>
>>But,
>>
>>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>>
>>And,
>>
>>B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
>>2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
>>
>>AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
>>
>>A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
>>1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
>>
>>So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard
>>work and
>>Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
>>the
>>Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
>>Don't you just Love it!!!

How very true!

Mally
>>
>>
>>
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Old 2006-07-07, 22:36   #150
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Noah's Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, "Go forth and multiply."
Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.
"What's the problem?" asks Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes; everybody is happy. Noah says, "So tell me how the trees helped."
"Certainly," reply the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."
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Old 2006-07-09, 22:30   #151
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 99.94
Noah's Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, "Go forth and multiply."
Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.
"What's the problem?" asks Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes; everybody is happy. Noah says, "So tell me how the trees helped."
"Certainly," reply the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."
Guys, I'm going nuts. I know what the device is that people used to use logartithms to multiply and divide and get square roots with(before calculators), but I can't for the life of me remember it's name. I want to say "slipstick," but a Google search just got me garbage links.

Edit: slide rule.

Last fiddled with by jasong on 2006-07-09 at 22:31
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Old 2006-07-10, 07:01   #152
Uncwilly
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100010111100012 Posts
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasong
Guys, I'm going nuts. I know what the device is that people used to use logartithms to multiply and divide and get square roots with(before calculators), but I can't for the life of me remember it's name. I want to say "slipstick," but a Google search just got me garbage links.

Edit: slide rule.
What about Napier's Bones?
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Old 2006-07-10, 07:15   #153
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A mathemetician meets a young lady at a bar. She slips him a note with her address on it. He writes something down & sends it back to her:

B4I Sqrt(U) R U/16
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Old 2006-07-10, 15:39   #154
akruppa
 
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A mathematician's love poem:

You are the fairest of your sex,
oh let me be your hero!
I love you as 1/x
as x→0.
Positively.


Alex
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