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Old 2017-05-13, 03:32   #1
MooMoo2
 
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Default Bears on a Submarine - the film script

You may have seen the movie "Snakes on a Plane". I haven't seen it or read more than 2-3 lines of the script, but I think it deserves a sequel.

So I present to you my new movie, Bears on a Submarine. This is my first film script (and first time writing anything anywhere near this long), so feedback is welcome.

Like most films and stories, the first part may be a bit slow due to the need to introduce the characters and the plot. But the juicy action starts well before the halfway mark and continues almost all the way through to the end. So sit back and enjoy the read
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Old 2017-05-13, 09:57   #2
firejuggler
 
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I'm sorry but why did I thought, almost immediatly of "The Hunt for Red October"? Rusky bears?
Will read your script in any case.
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Old 2017-05-14, 05:58   #3
MooMoo2
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by firejuggler View Post
I'm sorry but why did I thought, almost immediatly of "The Hunt for Red October"? Rusky bears?
Nope, I wanted to do something different than the typical Cold War films. There aren't any Russians in this film, and it's a non-military submarine. Here's the Wikipedia-like article:
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Bears_On_A_Submarine

Quote:
Will read your script in any case.
Thanks! Let me know how it goes.
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Old 2017-05-18, 03:16   #4
ewmayer
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MooMoo2 View Post
Thanks! Let me know how it goes.
I liked the bit where the crew first start hearing the awakening bears, "A: Did you hear that? B: Just barely." Ha, ha - but you might want to throw in even more Ursine-themed puns, e.g.

"so-and-so-paused..."

"there's a clause in my contract which states..."

"it was a grisly sight..."

"in desperation, they pelted the bear with whatever kitchen implements were at hand..."

And at least one of the humans should be named Bruno. You could also work in references like "so-and-so was a UCLA grad (Bruins)", someone having a Cubs pennant on the wall of his bunk, etc.

Enjoy your Hollywood fame and riches!
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Old 2017-05-18, 06:55   #5
jasong
 
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I'm tired of these mother-truckin' bears on this mother-truckin' submarine.
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Old 2017-05-18, 22:27   #6
ewmayer
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Ooh, ooh - we also need a female character named - of course - 'Ursula'.

Liked the poster, BTW. :)
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Old 2017-05-19, 05:13   #7
MooMoo2
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ewmayer View Post
I liked the bit where the crew first start hearing the awakening bears, "A: Did you hear that? B: Just barely." Ha, ha - but you might want to throw in even more Ursine-themed puns, e.g.

"so-and-so-paused..."

"there's a clause in my contract which states..."

"it was a grisly sight..."

"in desperation, they pelted the bear with whatever kitchen implements were at hand..."

And at least one of the humans should be named Bruno. You could also work in references like "so-and-so was a UCLA grad (Bruins)", someone having a Cubs pennant on the wall of his bunk, etc.

Enjoy your Hollywood fame and riches!
Thanks for the feedback! I'll add in a few more beary nice puns for my next revision.

The comments I received so far (both offline and from other websites) were generally positive. The areas for improvement were that the characters could be introduced better, the script could be formatted better, and that there should be more description of the action instead of just straight dialogue. My re-write is in progress, but I've attached a sneak preview.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jasong View Post
I'm tired of these mother-truckin' bears on this mother-truckin' submarine.
See page 41 of the original script
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