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Old 2006-03-17, 14:09   #45
akruppa
 
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"Nancy"
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>I dont know with what intent Alex put up this picture

Purely humorous without hidden meaning. I expect I have a very similar expression on my face reading this thread, which makes these "groan-inducing jokes" a thundering success!

Alex
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Old 2006-03-17, 15:50   #46
mfgoode
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Cool Dumb Jokes Thread


Thank you Alex. I take it as a whistle to proceed with the game.
C'mon you stud bulls, lets hear from you.
Mally
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Old 2006-03-17, 19:47   #47
robert44444uk
 
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Default This drink is on me

What is the difference between a Guiness and brain surgery?

One is a bottle in front of me and the other is a frontal lobotomy

Cheers!

Robert Smith
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Old 2006-03-17, 20:04   #48
edorajh
 
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Ponderings collection
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
  • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
    If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
  • Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
  • Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
  • Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
  • If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
    Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
  • Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
  • If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
    Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
  • Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
  • Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Old 2006-03-17, 21:30   #49
Flatlander
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Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
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Old 2006-03-17, 23:08   #50
R.D. Silverman
 
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A blonde walks into a hair salon wearing a pair of headphones.
She sits down and the hairdresser asks her to remove the headphones.
The blonde replies: "I can't. If I do that I will die", to which the
hairdresser replies "Don't be silly, go ahead and take them off".

The blonde takes them off and in 30 seconds slumps down in the
chair, unconscious.

The hairdresser puts the headphones on and she hears:

Breathe in. Breathe Out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
===================================================

Blonde guy joke:

Why do blondes have bruises on their belly buttons?

Because blonde guys are dumb too.
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Old 2006-03-18, 06:31   #51
akruppa
 
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>Ponderings collection

One thing I wondered about: Why isn't there cat food with mouse flavour?
Edit: Or dog food with cat flavour, for that matter...

One that unfortunately only works in German:

Warum macht es keinen Unterschied, ob man Salami gerade oder schräg anschneidet?

Weil's Wurst ist.

Alex

Last fiddled with by akruppa on 2006-03-18 at 06:32
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Old 2006-03-18, 06:37   #52
Citrix
 
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Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Because you get an antenna and all the parts with it. When the TV was invented the parts were seperate and not inbuilt. Also it includes the remote.

Citrix
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Old 2006-03-18, 09:48   #53
Mystwalker
 
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There is a contest between the BND (german secret service), CIA and KGB (yes, it's an older joke) which service has the best analysis capability.

The task: Find out the age of a skull that has been recently dug up by archaeologists.

The BND guys are first. They take the skull into their laboratory. After 2 hours, they come out again and state: "Se skull ist arount 4000 years olt."

The referee asks: "How did you come to this conclusion?"

- "Wee've analyzt sampels of dirt that wee fount on se skull."

The CIA was next. After 4 hours, they come out of their lab and state: "The skull is around 4200 years old."

Again, the referee asks: "How did you come to this conclusion?"

- "We did an isotope analysis of the skull."

Now, it's the KGB's turn. They go into their lab. 5 hours pass... 6 hours... 7... 8... 9... After 14 hours, they come out, exhausted, sweating, but content. "Ze skull is axactly 4213 yearz old!"

For the third time, the referee asks: "How did you come to this conclusion?"

- "He confessed."
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Old 2006-03-18, 16:01   #54
xilman
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[*]Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Because they were built by the Interstate Highways Agency.

[*]Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Ever tried jumping out of an aircraft? Much safer to land in the sea and float away from there.

[*]Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
To smoke elsewhere afterwards.

[*]If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
You don't, at least here in the UK. Parking lots are for the benefit of chauffeurs who drive their drinking passengers.

[*]Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Both terms are used for both forms of transportation in UK English.

[*]You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
They can. It isn't cost-effective. And anyway, it's not black it's bright orange.

[*]If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Whisky.

[*]Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
The great Dr Johnson expressed this one best when his wife complained of his body odour. "On the contrary, my dear, you smell -- I stink". The distinction betweeen the two adjectives has largely been lost in more recent English and it is clear that it was well on the way to being lost in Johnson's time.

[*]Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
To protect them on the journey to their target, and to give them radio earphones for directions en route. No point in going if you knock yourself unconscious before doing anything useful.


Paul
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Old 2006-03-18, 22:10   #55
ewmayer
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xilman
[*]You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
They can. It isn't cost-effective. And anyway, it's not black it's bright orange.
I suspect it's not so much the potential expense as the fact that the resulting plane would be much too heavy to ever get off the ground - it would be like trying to put wings on a submarine.

Another German one, which I'm not sure works in all (or even most) German-speaking regions of Europe, as it makes use of a particular colloquialism for "flatus":

F: Wieso stinken die Gräber in Tehran?

A: Weil dort die Schahs von Persien begraben sind...
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