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Old 2019-11-30, 12:55   #969
retina
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Astronaut 1: I can't find milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can; here, use cream.

I've got loads of jokes about cash machines, I just can't think of any ATM.

That reminds me of an old joke about a hot air balloon. Why? Well, I'd explain, but it would probably just go over your head.

What do you call a table saw accident? A hands-off situation.

I stubbed my toe on a gold ingot. Au.
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Old 2019-12-01, 18:40   #970
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My wife didn’t believe me when I said that I would give our daughter a silly name. So I decided to call her Bluff.

Our daughter asked for a Cinderella-themed birthday party this year. So I and the wife went to the restaurant and left her to clean up the house.

Someone has been stealing wheels from police cars. The police are working tirelessly to find the culprit.

A big storm blew away a quarter of my roof last night. Oof.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example compare these two:
  • Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
  • Jane ate her friend's colon.

Bonus:
I recently met a man named Joe Bastardo. I feel sorry for him. It must have been difficult when he was growing up with a name like that. All the children probably made fun of his name. What sort of parent names their child Joe?

I know another man named John. His parents had no imagination. Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named John.
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Old 2019-12-01, 21:14   #971
petrw1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by retina View Post
My wife didn’t believe me when I said that I would give our daughter a silly name. So I decided to call her Bluff.

Our daughter asked for a Cinderella-themed birthday party this year. So I and the wife went to the restaurant and left her to clean up the house.

Someone has been stealing wheels from police cars. The police are working tirelessly to find the culprit.

A big storm blew away a quarter of my roof last night. Oof.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example compare these two:
  • Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
  • Jane ate her friend's colon.

Bonus:
I recently met a man named Joe Bastardo. I feel sorry for him. It must have been difficult when he was growing up with a name like that. All the children probably made fun of his name. What sort of parent names their child Joe?

I know another man named John. His parents had no imagination. Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named John.
John is a very famous name. He has a room named after him.

Someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. The police have nothing to go on.
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Old 2019-12-02, 15:39   #972
retina
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I warned Mini-Me about using his whistle inside and gave him one last chance. Unfortunately, he blew it.

I dislike Ouroboroi. I think they're full of themselves.

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.

My cook wants to make vegan nougat, without any animal-derived ingredient in it. I think that's just nuts.

I don't understand what people have against paedophiles. After all, they drive slowly in school zones.

Bonus:
A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini.
"You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?"
"Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and wait at the gate for an hour."
"What was the problem?" the bartender asks.
"The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
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Old 2019-12-23, 20:09   #973
ewmayer
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A bit of silly math-geek humor courtesy of the comic strip Fox Trot:
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Old 2020-01-09, 18:35   #974
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I ran across a string of chat initialisms for seniors. I haven't been able to track it down, yet......Ah! Thank goodness for the Car Talk site.
https://www.cartalk.com/radio/letter...ations-elderly
Ones I particularly like are:
ROFLACGU = rolling on floor and can't get up. This is less of a joke every day, as even getting up from a crouch to look into the oven can be a challenge if I stayed down too long.

FWIW = forgot where I was. I would make it FWIWLF = forgot what I was looking for
An older southern woman who used to be featured on NPR (Bailey something?) once told this quip:
The other day the reverend was telling me I should be thinking more about the hereafter. But I do that all the time. I walk into a room and say, "What did I come here after?"
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Old 2020-01-27, 18:08   #975
retina
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If I have a tiny green ball in one hand, and a tiny green ball in the other hand... what do I have?
The undivided attention of a leprechaun.

Did you hear about the new Pirate movie?
It was rated ARRRRR!

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Sir or Madam, due to repeated copyright violations from your IP address...

How can you tell if someone's carrying a concealed weapon?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.
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Old 2020-01-28, 03:04   #976
kladner
 
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Thumbs up

OCTOPI
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Old 2020-03-11, 19:21   #977
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I'd recommend visiting France. I mean, what have you got Toulouse?


(Don't anyone dare to reply to that rubbish now...)
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Old 2020-03-12, 03:35   #978
LaurV
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mart_r View Post
(Don't anyone dare to reply to that rubbish now...)
Why not? haha... When we were kids we used to sing a famous tune of the time, called "Nothing to Lose" and always completed the lyrics with "nothing Berlioz... nothing Marie... " (they were also in vogue). When my daughter was a teenager, with her own personality and entourage of friends, etc. (you know how it is) and she started to "diverge" in her music tastes, I used to annoy her every time when she was singing "Titanium" around the house (again, in fashion at her time, everybody her age was singing it). Every time she was concentrating in taking the pitch of that high "nothing to lose" right... I was there, stepping in with my "nothing Berlioz" etc, trying to keep the pitch, to which of course I totally suck, and that angered her to the limits. Every time. And I was replying "see, you are not titanium". Then we wouldn't be friends anymore for a while.

Last fiddled with by LaurV on 2020-03-12 at 03:58
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Old 2020-03-12, 14:05   #979
Dr Sardonicus
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mart_r View Post
I'd recommend visiting France. I mean, what have you got Toulouse?


(Don't anyone dare to reply to that rubbish now...)
OK, I waited a day.

Q: Why does a French freighter full of snails weigh less than one full of anything else?

A: It has l'escargot.
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