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Old 2019-11-18, 05:37   #958
Uncwilly
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nomead View Post
There are also 10 kinds of people: those who know binary and those who don't.
There are 2 types of people: those who can infer from incomplete data.
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Old 2019-11-18, 20:30   #959
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This one can be repurposed to use any number of 'dismal professions':

In Hell a man passed a room where another man was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. From the bits and pieces that he could hear, it was obvious that the man in the room was an economist. “What a crummy deal!” the man complained. “I have to burn for all eternity and that economist spends it with that gorgeous woman.”

An escorting demon jabbed the man with his pitchfork and shouts, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
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Old 2019-11-19, 03:04   #960
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Haha, good one! SWMBO would enjoy this joke a lot, but I am a bit afraid to tell it to her.

Are you sure the guy wasn't mathematician or computer scientist, programmer, something?
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Old 2019-11-19, 19:36   #961
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaurV View Post
Haha, good one! SWMBO would enjoy this joke a lot, but I am a bit afraid to tell it to her.

Are you sure the guy wasn't mathematician or computer scientist, programmer, something?
Like I said, feel free to substitute any profession you like - though some are clearly more deserving than others in the sense of the joke.
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Old 2019-11-19, 20:11   #962
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My all time favorite along these lines has already been posted to this thread.
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Old 2019-11-19, 20:53   #963
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I know it's old, but here's a new take:

God puts on a competition to see who, between Jesus and Satan can factor a 300 digit number faster. They both start out and seem to be running about equal when all of heaven, earth and hell suffer a catastrophic power loss. When the power is finally restored, the contest continues, but it is discovered that Jesus is now way ahead of Satan who has restarted from scratch. Satan, infuriated, demands, "How Can This Be?

He is told, "Unlike you, Jesus, Saves!"
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Old 2019-11-20, 17:30   #964
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A politician, let's say the current pResident, dies and goes to Hell. Satan is showing him around and offering a choice of punishments. In one room, Richard Nixon is running and ramming his head into a stone wall repeatedly. The Donald is not interested in this scene, so Satan shows him another room. In this one, Ronald Reagan endlessly jumps into a pool of water and climbs back out. The "guest" is not impressed, so Satan shows him a third room. Here, Monica Lewinsky is giving Bill Clinton a bl#w job. Donald perks up at this and tells Satan that he'll accept this punishment.


Satan smiles, and says, "OK Monica. You can go."
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Old 2019-11-21, 15:11   #965
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EdH View Post
I know it's old, but here's a new take:

God puts on a competition to see who, between Jesus and Satan can factor a 300 digit number faster. They both start out and seem to be running about equal when all of heaven, earth and hell suffer a catastrophic power loss. When the power is finally restored, the contest continues, but it is discovered that Jesus is now way ahead of Satan who has restarted from scratch. Satan, infuriated, demands, "How Can This Be?

He is told, "Unlike you, Jesus, Saves!"
For some reason, this reminds me of a "Probability Zero" feature in ANALOG Magazine long, long ago. It was set during the Cold War. The young son of some important Soviet official kept insisting that what they needed was a much faster computer. The man took up the idea, and managed to engineer a new kind of computer that was many times faster than anything the Americans had. Its existence was, of course, kept secret.

The decision was taken to use this computer to beat the Americans, instead of by launching a nuclear strike, by challenging them to a computer chess match "for all the marbles." The Americans, unaware of the Soviets' massive computing advantage, accepted the challenge. The Soviets granted the Americans the first-move advantage of White.

The American computer made the opening move. The Soviet computer studied the opening for quite some time -- and resigned.
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Old 2019-11-22, 03:46   #966
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Ha, if we are at "Americans versus Russians" jokes, one of my favorites ever: it is said that the last few American spies (2? 3? 31? 89? nobody knows exactly) were all caught by Russians and deported, and the Americans had no idea how the Russians were doing it, so they decided to train their best man and send him in the field to investigate. So, he did physical training (run, fight, whatever these guys do), ideological training (he knew everything about communists, history, beliefs, whatever), he was expert in physics, math, explosives, whatever, and in top of it, of course, he could speak perfect Russian, beside of another 20 languages or so. They put him to work in a factory for a while, so its body and hands "adjust", of course, your hands can't look like those of a professor when you say you are a steel worker, could they? and when he was 101% ready, he was planted in a Moskow poor neighborhood to live in a flat in some ghetto apartment, and pose as a hard worker or so. But the first day he went out, he met a little girl out of his apartment building and she said to him "Good morning, Mr. American Spy!". The guy was perplexed and didn't know what to do, he said "How the hell you know that?". She replied "We do not have black guys in Moskow."
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Old 2019-11-22, 19:56   #967
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In the same vein as two of the previous jokes:

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with that, Obama is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.

Clinton and Trump are now terrified. The second door opens, and it reveals a room filled with angry rabid dogs and badgers. Satan's voice booms again "Mr Clinton you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these ghastly beasts!" And with that, Clinton is thrown into the room and the door slams shut.

Trump is now wetting himself. The final door opens, but instead of there being anything horrific, Trump sees the most drop-dead gorgeous young woman he has ever laid eyes on, with perfect skin, a stunning face, and thick flowing hair. Satan's voice booms one final time "Mrs Samson you have sinned…"
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Old 2019-11-29, 13:53   #968
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Two friends enter a bar. One of them has a gambling addiction. The bartender serves up a single drink. The other one is an alcoholic, so it was for the better.

Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal? Because he would have to convert. And because for the decimal to become a fraction would be pointless.

What do you call bears with no ears? B.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no-eye deer.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith today, and as soon as I got home, it made a bolt for the door.

Bonus:
When the flood was over, Noah told all the animals to go forth and multiply. After a while, Noah found that all the animals had offspring, apart from a pair of snakes.
“What is the problem?” asked Noah.
“We can’t multiply”, answered the snakes. “We’re adders.”
Noah and his sons started to make furniture for themselves, using rough hewn logs for chairs and tables. Next time Noah checked, he found the snakes with a clutch of young.
“I thought you said you couldn’t multiply”, said Noah. “
We can’t. We used the log tables”, answered the adders.

A guy on the bus suddenly notices his wallet is no longer in his pocket.
He says loudly to the whole bus: "Whoever took my wallet better give it back right now or it will be just like last time someone stole my wallet."
When no-one reacts he looks around menacingly and says again "You'd better return it or else it will be just like that other time."
Some junkie comes forward and gives him the wallet, then looks at him frightened and says "I'm sorry, but just out of curiosity what happened last time?"
"Last time they didn't return it."
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