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kwstone 2003-12-15 01:33

Dumb (Jokes Thread)
 
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested while attempting to board a flight was found to be in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons known to be of capable of math instruction.

"Al Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft stated. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes will go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names, such as "x" and "y"and refer to themselves as "unknowns." Fortunately, we determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

Drawing upon his vast knowledge of the long record of this dangerous organization, Ashcroft stunned reporters with this statement; "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government was received a sine that He is intent on protracting us from this band of math-crazed individuals each of whom is willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding,"Under these circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush further warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.

Attorney General Ashcroft closed the press conference with this warning, "As our President's father foresaw this danger and warned us in the past, read my ellipse! Now we can say with certainty that Al Gebra's days are numbered ... the hypotenuse is tightening around their necks."

E_tron 2003-12-15 06:11

:unsure:

garo 2003-12-15 06:16

LOL! Works at many levels.

edorajh 2003-12-15 09:42

:grin:

PrimeCruncher 2003-12-15 19:49

:lol: I GOTTA show this to my math teacher :grin:

ewmayer 2006-03-09 19:12

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
This thread is for (hopefully) amusing and (surely) groan-inducing jokes. Please keep them (reasonably) clean (though mildly risque' is quite acceptable), and enclose joke punchlines (and optional joke-explications) in [url=http://www.mersenneforum.org/misc.php?do=bbcode#spoiler][spoiler][/url] tags.

I'll try to set the tone start the bidding off with an original (as in, I have no one to blame but blame myself, or something similarly Churchillian):

[i][b]Q: Why do urologists refer to vasectomy as "the most respectful" operation?[/b][/i]

Click here for the answer:

[spoiler][size=-2]Because their patients must show them "vast deference."[/size][/spoiler]

In case you didn't get it:

[spoiler][size=-2]Get it? Vas Deferens? Nyuk, nyuk...[/size][/spoiler]

ewmayer 2006-03-09 22:00

What, over one full hour and still no deftly-dealt risible [i]ripostes[/i] from our dear readers? In that case, I feel bound to inflict another sense-whelming witticism.

[i][b]Q: Why are "paramedics" called that?[/b][/i]

[spoiler][size=-2]A: Because there's always two of them in the ambulance!"[/size][/spoiler]

(Some obscure phrase about one hand clapping comes to mind - as in, it may not be able to clap very loudly, but it sure can heave a rotten tomato a long way.)

Now someone else take over, or I shall have to taunt you yet again, Eengleesh peeg-dogs...

[img]http://hogranch.com/mayer/images/funny/mp_holygrail_frenchguards.jpg[/img]

davar55 2006-03-09 22:50

How many light-bulbs does it take to ... no, that doesn't sound right.

Why can't a pie be triangular-shaped?

[spoiler]Because pie-are-squared! (ugh!!)[/spoiler]

99.94 2006-03-10 02:23

This one's specially for our German speakers. (Hope I can get the spoiler tags to work...).

There was a house in the Bavarian Highlands. It was winter and a fire was blazing. Near the fire was a gold fish bowl and in the bowl lived two gold fish named appropriately enough Eins and Zwei.

Eins and Zwei were acting the fool and both fell out of the bowl and landed on the hearth. What happened next?

[spoiler]eins zwei dry[/spoiler].

mfgoode 2006-03-10 04:46

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:cool: Heres an old one from my school days.
Uncle Tom has something long and Aunty Mary something hairy?
Ans [spoiler] comb and brush [/spoiler] :grin: :grin:

mfgoode 2006-03-10 05:00

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:grin:
A very, very, ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons.
A man asks her, "are they twins?"
Puzzled the woman replies, "no, one is 3 years old and the other is 10. Why
do you ask"
The man replies: "no particular reason, i just can't believe someone went to bed with you twice".
Mally :coffee

Fusion_power 2006-03-10 05:19

I'll post this one but please don't take it personally EWMayer.

An American, an Englishman, and a German all went into a bar to have a brew. As it happened, there was a fly in each of their mugs when they were served. The Englishman immediately called for another brew. The American carefully dipped the fly out of his brew and proceeded to drink. The German fished the fly out, put it on the bar, and in his best gutteral, said "SPIT IT OUT!".

:shock:

Mystwalker 2006-03-10 09:50

Old ones:

What's the first instruction in german cook books?
[spoiler]"First, you occupy the kitchen."[/spoiler]

What do you get when you throw a hand-grenade into a french kitchen?
[spoiler]Linoleum Blownapart[/spoiler]

Citrix 2006-03-10 16:01

[QUOTE=mfgoode]:grin:
A very, very, ugly woman walks into a shop with her two sons.
A man asks her, "are they twins?"
Puzzled the woman replies, "no, one is 3 years old and the other is 10. Why
do you ask"
The man replies: "no particular reason, i just can't believe someone went to bed with you twice".
Mally :coffee[/QUOTE]

very funny! The best one so far.:cool: :showoff: :bow:

Flatlander 2006-03-10 16:14

Did you hear about the man with two left feet who went into a shoe shop and bought a pair of flip-flips?

Flatlander 2006-03-10 16:21

How do you kill a circus?

[spoiler]Go for the juggler.[/spoiler]

ewmayer 2006-03-10 17:52

A three-legged dog limps into an old west saloon and says, "I'm a-lookin fer the man who shot my paw."

Fusion_power 2006-03-10 19:08

You can find this one at [url]www.jumbojoke.com[/url]

Its a good joke, not really a dumb one, but maybe points out how dumb people can be at times.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a jerk!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'jerk' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area I thought my therapeutic 'jerk' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "no!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first jerk (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW jerk, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're a jerk!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two jerks to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called jerk #1. "Hello" "You're a jerk!" I shouted, but I didn't hang up. "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me!" he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Jerk, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, jerk." Then I called jerk #2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello jerk," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, jerk, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two jerks beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
Now I feel better.

mfgoode 2006-03-11 02:24

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:razz:
Then there is the father who laments the fact that three of his children are in graduate school. He says that he is getting poorer by degrees!
Mally :coffee.

Citrix 2006-03-11 04:09

I like this one from the site pointed above:

[url]http://www.jumbojoke.com/secrets_from_your_drivers_license_631.html[/url]

amcfarlane 2006-03-11 11:08

1917, The Western Front.

French Fighter Ace Jean-Pierre has just shot down his 40th Hun and has been granted a 48 hr pass in Paris. He goes to his usual café and buys 3 bottles of his favourite tipple then heads off to his usual house of Red Light, where he is introduced to the new girl, Fifi.

They get down to business and he starts kissing her. Suddenly he stops, uncorks a bottle of Bordeaux, pourning it over Fifi’s head. She splutters and asks what’s going on, so he tells her, “I am Jean-Pierre, fighter ace, when I kiss the red lips I drink the red wine of France”!

Fifi is impressed and Jean-Pierre undresses her down to her boobs. He then uncorks a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and pours it over her chest. Fifi is bemused again, so he tells her, “I am Jean-Pierre, fighter ace, when I kiss the white breasts I drink the white wine of France”.

“How romantic”, gushes Fifi.

By now she is naked and Jean-Pierre opens his last bottle, a Napoleon Brandy, pours it over her kitty, lights a match and sets fire to her bush. Fifi is horrified, reaches for a jug of water and as she douses herself she screams “what the hell do you think you’re doing”?

He shrugs and says, “I am Jean-Pierre, fighter ace. If I go down, I go down in flames”.

Spherical Cow 2006-03-11 18:18

Also from the Jumbo Jokes site:

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was
10,000 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.


God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household.
You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family.
Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

"I don't know," the man replied. "My wife told me to stand here."


Norm

ewmayer 2006-03-11 21:27

Gotta love jokes based on regional rivalries: in this case, that between the Aussies and the Kiwis (New Zealanders). A standard theme among the Aussies-making-fun-of-Kiwis jokes is that the Kiwis, with their long tradition of shepherding, occasionally take their "sheep husbandry" too literally, if you knowhutimeanandithinkyoudo. In that vein:

========

A Kiwi guy walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm, sees his wife lying in the bed, and says, "See darling, this is the pig I have to sleep with when you're angry with me."

His wife says, in a smugly superior tone, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, not a pig!"

To which the Kiwi guy replies, "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you!"

hhh 2006-03-12 10:01

Shouldn't there be a rule in this thread not to copy/paste jokes from the internet, but only to post personally selected jokes that one finds worth the effort of writing down oneself?

And: as I don't get the punchlines of half the jokes here:surrender , by opposition, I will post a french one. Let's see if you get it.:devil:

Quelle est la difference entre un pullover et une moule?
[spoiler]Un pullover moule[/spoiler] et [spoiler]une moule pullover [/spoiler] .

Pas compris? [spoiler]une moule pue l'ovaire [/spoiler]

ewmayer 2006-03-13 20:48

[QUOTE=hhh]Shouldn't there be a rule in this thread not to copy/paste jokes from the internet, but only to post personally selected jokes that one finds worth the effort of writing down oneself?[/QUOTE]What diffference does it make whether one personally selects it by way of a link, copy-and-paste, or tedious retyping? Except that the latter is a waste of time, and likely to introduce grammar and spelling errors which might make a previously funny joke less so. When you find (say) a news story online which you wish to share with friends, do you retype it, letter-for-letter? Of course not (or at least I hope not - but hey, it's your time), because it's the content that matters.

IMO, except for correcting typos in a joke one got from elsewhere, the only time it is necessary to write it out oneself is if it's an original (in which case it should be noted as such.)

Of course with jokes that rely on regional cultural knowledge or are in a language other than English, annotations to provide context or translations (if the joke is the kind which can survive tranlation, which many are not) by the person posting the joke are encouraged.

hhh 2006-03-14 12:09

[QUOTE=ewmayer]What diffference does it make whether one personally selects it by way of a link, copy-and-paste, or tedious retyping?

...
[/QUOTE]

The difference is that if I want to read jokes on the internet, I know where to look: not at mersenneforum, but at the thousands of joke-sites.

If this thread wants to be something special, the only way is personal engagement, as it is btw proper to this forum. So, IMO, the only justification of this thread is to be a place where one shares jokes one heard, actually heard from somebody else, rather than to be one more collection of the best jokes on Internet.
One more thing that supports this is if you look at this at a discussion forum. It is for discussion, and thus equivalent to a chat corner in a library where you can find joke-books. (The library is the internet).
Of course, you might tell your friends in this very chat corner: "look at this one, I found in that book!". But that's not the usual case. And for that, we have the "Interesting link thread".

Anyways, everybody is free to post what he wants as long as he doesn't violate publishers rights or good sense.

I hope I could clarify my viewpoint; even if sometimes I was afraid about my grammar.
H.

R.D. Silverman 2006-03-14 15:51

During WWII a Frenchman, a Nazi, A gorgeous babe and an old woman
are sharing a booth on a train. Suddenly the train plunges into a tunnel
and everything goes black. The sound of a kiss is heard, followed by
the sound of a sharp blow.

As the train emerges from the tunnel, the Nazi is showing a noticeable
bruise under his eye.

The old lady thinks to herself: "He got what he deserved"
The babe wonders to herself "Why did he kiss the hag instead of me?"
The Nazi thinks to himself "That frog steals a kiss and I get hit for it!"
The Frenchman thinks to himself "Boy, how clever I am. I kiss the back
of my hand, punch the Nazi in the face and noone can figure it out".

xilman 2006-03-14 17:50

[QUOTE=ewmayer]This thread is for (hopefully) amusing and (surely) groan-inducing jokes.[/QUOTE]Not a joke [i]per se[/i] but I know how you enjoy pad buns (and the occasional Spoonerism) so I thought you'd like this one.

I've just got back from vacation in La Palma, where the natives all speak Spanish and many of them manage passable German too. There are very very few British holidaymakers on the island, so English speakers are relatively uncommon. We'd just finished lunch and I asked a passing waiter "La cuenta, por favor". He replied, in an Italian accent, "Ah, the bill, the damage". The opportunity was too good to pass up, so I instantly opined "Quel dommage".

This chap spoke Italian natively, had spent a long time in London, spoke passable German, slightly worse Spanish and could generally get by in French and Dutch. I wish I had his linguistic abilities.


Paul

99.94 2006-03-15 02:06

[QUOTE=Spherical Cow]Also from the Jumbo Jokes site:

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise...[/QUOTE]
That reminds me of a cartoon I saw once. A husband & wife were with a marriage counsellor. The wife is saying to the counsellor, "that's my side of the story. Now I'll tell you his".

Carlsagan43 2006-03-15 03:29

Did you hear that the price of balloons has gone up? There was massive inflation.

Uncwilly 2006-03-15 07:08

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches. "

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Six".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, " What is it? "

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

mfgoode 2006-03-15 12:59

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN: :grin:
An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood; His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.
Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled in the Indian man's face.

The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually American customs. I was told, that in order to be a true American, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit :razz:
Mally :coffee:

mfgoode 2006-03-15 13:18

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:cool: PhD:
The wife of the great physicist Robert A. Millikan, happened to hear her maid answer the telephone.
"Yes this is where Dr. Millikan lives, But he's not the kind of doctor that does any body any good"
Mally :coffee:

xilman 2006-03-15 15:29

What's this?

0
BSc
MSc
PhD



[spoiler]Three degrees below zero[/spoiler]

mfgoode 2006-03-15 15:54

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:cool: That was great Paul. Let me attach a meaning to them

0 is the average guy.

BSc: A fellow who can listen to the "William Tell Overture" without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

MSc: A man who has discovered something more interesting than women.

PhD: A person who is educated beyond his intelligence! :grin:
Mally :coffee:

xilman 2006-03-15 16:05

[QUOTE=mfgoode]
BSc: A fellow who can listen to the "William Tell Overture" without thinking of the Lone Ranger.[/QUOTE]
You are showing your age.

These days, it's someone who can listen to the "Ride of the Valkyries" without thinking of helicopters.

Or, if Bob is to be believed, in the US it's someone who is qualified to be a restauranteur, asking "Would you like fries with that?".

Paul

xilman 2006-03-15 16:12

Oxymorons
 
Anyone know good oxymorons? Here's a few to start the ball rolling, beginning with probably the best known:

Military intelligence
Industrial action
Civil servant
Jumbo shrimps.

and my favourite:

Microsoft Works


Paul

Fusion_power 2006-03-15 16:20

This one is a true story. It happened in Fort Walton Beach Florida.

A young woman who worked at Mcdonalds was trying to better herself. She put in an application for a job as an operator at the local phone company. She was hired and went through their rather extensive training program. A few weeks later, a call came in requesting time & charges. (used by lots of attorneys to bill for exact calling costs). She promptly pushed the proper buttons to drop the call into a queue. A few moments later, the person hung up and the call was presented on her screen again so she could relay the charges to the subscriber. She told the customer "That will be $2.38, please drive around."

Fusion

Mystwalker 2006-03-15 19:17

[QUOTE=xilman]Anyone know good oxymorons?[/QUOTE]

[url=http://www.mersenneforum.org/showthread.php?p=75302]Female cruncher[/url] :wink:

rogue 2006-03-15 21:11

I just flew back from Philadelphia and boy, are my arms tired.

ewmayer 2006-03-15 21:53

Don't remember where I first heard this...

An elderly Jewish couple, Leo and Rosa, find themselves in a quandary - their magnificent heirloom grandfather clock, after 50-plus years of faithfully keeping the time with a steady, soothing tick-tock, one day goes out of kilter and only makes a weak tick-tick-tick noise anymore. Now these folks live in a fairly rural area, and the only clockmaker anywhere nearby happens to be an elderly German gentleman known locally as Herr Fritz, who is nice enough, but is rumored by some of the locals to have been a member of the Gestapo during World War 2. After much agonizing, Leo and Rosa decide, since the rumors about Herr Fritz are after all just that, and since the unwonted tick-ticking noise of their malfunctioning clock is driving them nuts, to take it to Herr Fritz for a look. They load the heavy clock into their station wagon, drive to Herr Fritz's shop, and after overcoming a final wave of trepidation, take the clock into the shop and ask Herr Fritz if he can have a look and see what might be wrong. Herr Fritz gives the clock a thorough inspection, and verifies that, "ja, ja, ze Clock iss eckting strangely, mecking ziss strange tick-ticking noise." Leo and Rosa ask if anything can be done, at which point Herr Fritz turns to the malfunctioning clock and says sternly, [i]"Vee haff vays to make you tock."[/i]

mfgoode 2006-03-16 06:16

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:smile:
Direct Line:

A man from the West, decided to write a book about holy places around the World. He started by flying to various holy places. Going to a very large place in USA, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$1000 a minute." Seeking out the religious Guru, he asked about the phone. The Guru answered that this golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God.

The man thanked the guru and continued on his way. As he continued to visit the holy places in Egypt, Israel, Iran, USA, Europe, Nepal, Japan, Australia and all around the world, he found more phones, with the same sign and price, and got the same answer from each Guru.


Finally, he arrived in India. Upon entering a temple, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read "Calls: Rupee1 per minute."

Fascinated, he asked the Guru. "Guru Ji, I have been in places all across the world, and in each place I have found this golden telephone and have been told it was a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God. But in the other temples the cost was $1000 a minute. Your sign reads Rupee 1/Minute. Why?

The Guru, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in India now. This is God's own country... and it's a local call."

Welcome to India!
P.S., Rupee 1 is appx 2 cents U.S.
Mally :coffee:

akruppa 2006-03-17 07:45

1 Attachment(s)
Alex

mfgoode 2006-03-17 14:01

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:unsure:
I dont know with what intent Alex put up this picture but I see in it a vast potential for humorous comments good or bad so Ill kick off with my version.
The picture itself has both beauty and ugliness, or downright bliss or simply disgusting. It all depends on one's imagination and background.

I think you will agree that it is good from far but far from good!

Still I will start with the beautiful aspects first. Have a look at her ears. They are exciting and here my imagination runs away with me so Ill stop right there.
The lobes connect with the face with no slit as such as is quite common.

Let me adulterate Shakespeare a bit. 'The man that does not have humour in his soul is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils'. So lets get on with it.
I pass to the left winger to proceed with the ball.
Mally :coffee:

akruppa 2006-03-17 14:09

>I dont know with what intent Alex put up this picture

Purely humorous without hidden meaning. I expect I have a very similar expression on my face reading this thread, which makes these "groan-inducing jokes" a thundering success!

Alex

mfgoode 2006-03-17 15:50

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:whistle:
Thank you Alex. I take it as a whistle to proceed with the game.
C'mon you stud bulls, lets hear from you.
Mally :coffee:

robert44444uk 2006-03-17 19:47

This drink is on me
 
What is the difference between a Guiness and brain surgery?

[spoiler]One is a bottle in front of me and the other is a frontal lobotomy[/spoiler]

Cheers!

Robert Smith

edorajh 2006-03-17 20:04

[B]Ponderings collection[/B]
[LIST][*]Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?[*]Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?[*]Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?[*]Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?[*]If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?[*]If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?[*]Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?[*]Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?[*]Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?[*]You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?[*]Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?[*]Why does your nose run and your feet smell?[*]Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?[*]If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?[*]Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?[*]If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?[*]Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?[*]Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?[/LIST]

Flatlander 2006-03-17 21:30

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

R.D. Silverman 2006-03-17 23:08

A blonde walks into a hair salon wearing a pair of headphones.
She sits down and the hairdresser asks her to remove the headphones.
The blonde replies: "I can't. If I do that I will die", to which the
hairdresser replies "Don't be silly, go ahead and take them off".

The blonde takes them off and in 30 seconds slumps down in the
chair, unconscious.

The hairdresser puts the headphones on and she hears:

Breathe in. Breathe Out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
===================================================

Blonde guy joke:

Why do blondes have bruises on their belly buttons?

Because blonde guys are dumb too.

akruppa 2006-03-18 06:31

>[B]Ponderings collection[/B]

One thing I wondered about: Why isn't there cat food with mouse flavour?
Edit: Or dog food with cat flavour, for that matter...

One that unfortunately only works in German:

Warum macht es keinen Unterschied, ob man Salami gerade oder schräg anschneidet?

[spoiler]Weil's Wurst ist.[/spoiler]

Alex

Citrix 2006-03-18 06:37

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Because you get an antenna and all the parts with it. When the TV was invented the parts were seperate and not inbuilt. Also it includes the remote.

Citrix

Mystwalker 2006-03-18 09:48

There is a contest between the BND (german secret service), CIA and KGB (yes, it's an older joke) which service has the best analysis capability.

The task: Find out the age of a skull that has been recently dug up by archaeologists.

The BND guys are first. They take the skull into their laboratory. After 2 hours, they come out again and state: "Se skull ist arount 4000 years olt."

The referee asks: "How did you come to this conclusion?"

- "Wee've analyzt sampels of dirt that wee fount on se skull."

The CIA was next. After 4 hours, they come out of their lab and state: "The skull is around 4200 years old."

Again, the referee asks: "How did you come to this conclusion?"

- "We did an isotope analysis of the skull."

Now, it's the KGB's turn. They go into their lab. 5 hours pass... 6 hours... 7... 8... 9... After 14 hours, they come out, exhausted, sweating, but content. "Ze skull is axactly 4213 yearz old!"

For the third time, the referee asks: "How did you come to this conclusion?"

- "He confessed."

xilman 2006-03-18 16:01

[*]Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Because they were built by the Interstate Highways Agency.

[*]Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Ever tried jumping out of an aircraft? Much safer to land in the sea and float away from there.

[*]Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
To smoke elsewhere afterwards.

[*]If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
You don't, at least here in the UK. Parking lots are for the benefit of chauffeurs who drive their drinking passengers.

[*]Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Both terms are used for both forms of transportation in UK English.

[*]You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
They can. It isn't cost-effective. And anyway, it's not black it's bright orange.

[*]If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Whisky.

[*]Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
The great Dr Johnson expressed this one best when his wife complained of his body odour. "On the contrary, my dear, you smell -- I stink". The distinction betweeen the two adjectives has largely been lost in more recent English and it is clear that it was well on the way to being lost in Johnson's time.

[*]Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
To protect them on the journey to their target, and to give them radio earphones for directions en route. No point in going if you knock yourself unconscious before doing anything useful.


Paul

ewmayer 2006-03-18 22:10

[QUOTE=xilman][*]You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
They can. It isn't cost-effective. And anyway, it's not black it's bright orange.[/QUOTE]
I suspect it's not so much the potential expense as the fact that the resulting plane would be much too heavy to ever get off the ground - it would be like trying to put wings on a submarine.

Another German one, which I'm not sure works in all (or even most) German-speaking regions of Europe, as it makes use of a particular colloquialism for "flatus":

[i]F: Wieso stinken die Gräber in Tehran?[/i]

[spoiler]A: Weil dort die Schahs von Persien begraben sind...[/spoiler]

mfgoode 2006-03-19 06:20

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
[QUOTE=xilman][*].[*]Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
The great Dr Johnson expressed this one best when his wife complained of his body odour. "On the contrary, my dear, you smell -- I stink". The distinction betweeen the two adjectives has largely been lost in more recent English and it is clear that it was well on the way to being lost in Johnson's time.
Paul[/QUOTE]
:rolleyes:
Good answers Paul; But 'smell' and 'stink' - adjectives? in this context?
Mally :coffee:

mfgoode 2006-03-19 06:32

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:razz:
A tourist woman dining out summoned her waiter and requested that the air conditioning be turned down. Minutes later, the same woman was fanning herself, and she again summoned the waiter, asking that the a/c be turned up. As her complaints continued, a man at the next table beckoned the waiter.
"She must be driving you crazy" he said, "making you turn the a/c up and down like that"
"Not at all" the waiter replied "I'm driving her crazy. We dont have a/c "

xilman 2006-03-19 08:36

[QUOTE=ewmayer]I suspect it's not so much the potential expense as the fact that the resulting plane would be much too heavy to ever get off the ground - it would be like trying to put wings on a submarine.[/QUOTE]
Nope, it's as I said --- cost-effectiveness.

You can make anything fly, even an elephant, if you make it go fast enough --- meaning providing it with powerful enough engines --- and a smart enough attitude control system.

Consider the space shuttle. It has the aerodynamics of the average house brick. It's worse than a bathtub but better than a bunch of keys. Nonetheless, it flies.


Paul

hhh 2006-03-19 11:08

[QUOTE=ewmayer]
[i]F: Wieso stinken die Gräber in Tehran?[/i]
[/QUOTE]

At least I don't get it. Schwyzerdytsch? Weana Schmäh? Can you explain?
H.

xilman 2006-03-19 11:32

[QUOTE=mfgoode]:rolleyes:
Good answers Paul; But 'smell' and 'stink' - adjectives? in this context?
Mally :coffee:[/QUOTE]
You are quite right. The word is "verbs". No idea why I typed "adjectives".

The point remains: noses smell, feet stink. At least, they did in the eighteenth century and before.

Paul

ewmayer 2006-03-19 21:36

[QUOTE=hhh]At least I don't get it. Schwyzerdytsch? Weana Schmäh?[/QUOTE]In meiner Heimat (Umgebung Wien) ist "Schas" Umgangsprache für "Furz". Kann man auch generell geringschätzend verwenden - z.B. wenn ah Weana ah Fussboispüh anschaut und da schiesst ahna so richtig oag daneben, würde der Weana vülleicht sagen, "Na, des' war jetzt ah ordentlicher Schas..."

ewmayer 2006-03-19 21:53

[QUOTE=xilman]You can make anything fly, even an elephant, if you make it go fast enough --- meaning providing it with powerful enough engines --- and a smart enough attitude control system.[/quote]Argumentative! Argumentative! Also depends on precisely what one means by "fly".
[quote]Consider the space shuttle. It has the aerodynamics of the average house brick. It's worse than a bathtub but better than a bunch of keys. Nonetheless, it flies.[/quote]Not for any significant length of time, it doesn't - and I think you'll find that even (or perhaps especially) on the shuttle much effort was expended to make all the parts as light as they could possibly be and still sustain the propulsive, thermal and aerodynamic loads it encounters on every mission. All propulsion systems are limited by their specific energy - in the case of something like the shuttle we can boost it into orbit with a massive amount of propulsive force, but that is by definition of severely limited duration - a few minutes at most. Were we to try to fly something with the aggregate density and aerodynamics of a brick in the atmosphere for a durations of several hours (as airplanes are required to do), I think you'd find that there simply exists no chemical propulsion system with the required specific energy. Sure, you can strap a brick to a jet engine and make it fly, but a jet engine has also been carefully designed to be extremely light - I'm talking about the original idea of making the entire airplane - including the propulsion system - as structurally strong (and hence as dense) as the flight recorder. So while my "get off the ground" wording may have been hyperbole, in the sense of sustaining flight for more than a few minutes, I believe it was on the mark.

Your honor, the prostitution rests, or something. :P

Orgasmic Troll 2006-03-19 23:55

[QUOTE=ewmayer]the prostitution rests[/QUOTE]

Crap. There goes my weekend.

mfgoode 2006-03-20 07:22

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
[QUOTE=xilman]You are quite right. The word is "verbs". No idea why I typed "adjectives".

The point remains: noses smell, feet stink. At least, they did in the eighteenth century and before.

Paul[/QUOTE]
:smile:
Well Paul I agree that noses smell and feet stink. Lets enquire why?

Noses smell smelly things no doubt. The nose itself does not normally give an odour, unless the person suffers from sinus, and that can be offensive from my experience.

The max. amount of sweat glands/pores are located in the feet, followed closely by the arm pits, groin and posterior and should be washed frequently to remain fresh. Mind you it is my observation that the fresh odour emanating from any of them can be quite a turn on!

In the 18th century and before, I suppose due to improper water supply and the cold weather, people did not care for such hygiene as practised today. Besides the type of clothing used, when an ankle show was all the men were entitled to, only in extreme seduction would a lady take her closed shoes off.
If she/he was with a shoe fetishist then never!

Still as late the late 60's the leather was not cured sufficiently and due to them the feet could stink. I found this out in my early days in Cairo when I bought camel leather shoes which were considered a novelty to the rest of the world. I found to my dismay that they stank after a short while of wearing. Of course it was my nose that did the smelling.

I'm sure you will agree with me that smelly feet can be quite a downer literally!! :grin:
Mally :coffee:

grandpascorpion 2006-03-20 14:56

Another oxymoron
 
Civil war

ewmayer 2006-03-20 17:00

Another oxymoron
 
Video games rated "Mature"

robert44444uk 2006-03-20 18:50

The most dangerous joke in the World
 
Of course, a big favourite has to be from Monty Python...if you are German you may read one of the following two lines, but not both, otherwise you will fall down dead of laughter...it was said that this is why Germany lost WW2

By the way, even reading one line can cause permanent brain damage!!!

[spoiler]Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...[/spoiler]

[spoiler]Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput![/spoiler]

Regards

Robert Smith

ewmayer 2006-03-20 19:23

[QUOTE=robert44444uk]Of course, a big favourite has to be from Monty Python...it was said that this is why Germany lost WW2[/QUOTE]
Of course this replaced the slightly less funny earlier version, which (being very funny but not quite fatal) Hitler used to use to regale crowds at speeches:

Hitler: [i]Mein Hund hat keine Nase.[/i] (Translation: My dog has no nose.)

[i]Crowd:[/i] Wie riecht er? [i](How's it smell?)[/i]

Hitler: [i]Furchtbar![/i] (Terrible!)


And let's not forget the failed German counter-joke-offensive: [i]"Der vere diese zwei peanuts walking down der Strasse, und vun was assaulted..."[/i]

The latter is also generally non-fatal, although I must confess that I have to be careful not to tell it if I'd had too much to drink - broken a few ribs that way.

=========================

p.s. to RS: any relation to Robert Smith of The Cure or to the eponymous erstwhile Minnesota Vikings running back? (Try saying that 10 times very fast). There was an episode of [i]Mystery Science Theater 3000[/i] once on which the latter made a hilarious special guest appearance, but that's a tale for another rambling digression.

mfgoode 2006-03-21 04:01

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:surprised A joke I sent in last night in which an oxymoron was included plus I gave the website for oxymorons, (thousands of them) has been removed after post number 60.
Mally :coffee:

mfgoode 2006-03-21 10:42

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:smile: King Arthur and the knights of the round table.

King Arthur had to leave his palace to quell a rebellion on his northern border.
His main worry was that he had to leave his beautiful and voluptuous wife in the safe hands of the 10 knights he left behind to govern the land in his absence.

He called on Merlin the wizard to devise a plan to keep the knights from seducing his beautiful and voluptuous wife.
The next day Merlin came up with a contraption he had made and demonstrated it to King Arthur.
It was a small guillotine type gadget to be used as a girdle for the queen.
He inserted a pencil like object into the orifice kept and snap it was cut into two. Should any of the knights be disloyal to the King they would be very sorry to be found out.

Well after 6 months of warfare the battle weary King summoned his trusted knights for an inspection of their parts with Merlin present.
King Arthur found 9 out of the ten were all clipped and scarred.
However his best friend Lancelot was intact and King Arthur was very impressed.

“My dear Lancelot I will reward you for your loyalty.
Please speak to the rest of these treacherous knights and tell them how you resisted Genevieve’s charms”

Lancelot stood up and made an effort to speak but he could not say a single word :wink:
Mally :coffee:

robert44444uk 2006-03-21 19:16

Smith
 
[quote=ewmayer]p.s. to RS: any relation to Robert Smith of The Cure or to the eponymous erstwhile Minnesota Vikings running back? (Try saying that 10 times very fast). There was an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 once on which the latter made a hilarious special guest appearance, but that's a tale for another rambling digression.[/quote]

Fraid not. Smith is horribly common, and so is Robert so it is my burden to carry this. It means anonymity on Google though, so people cannot check me out, even if they wanted to!!

Regards

Robert Smith

Fusion_power 2006-03-21 20:37

So this piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out that they "don't serve strings here".

The string goes out, ties himshelf into a knot, unravels a few strands on one end and walks back into the bar. The bartender promptly says "aren't you that string that was just in here?". The string answers, no, I'm a frayed knot.

Fusion:sick:

Repeat these words 10 times just as fast as you can.

Sinful Caesar sniffed his sifter seized his knees and sneezed.

ewmayer 2006-03-21 21:11

[QUOTE=Fusion_power]Sinful Caesar sniffed his sifter seized his knees and sneezed.[/QUOTE]This may have since been eclipsed by an even-nastier mouthful, but growing up I was once given that year's edition of [i]The Guinness
Book of World Records[/i] (this would have been circa mid-70s), and I recall it listed as one of the nastiest English tongue-twisters:

[i]The sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.[/i]

And speaking of sheikhs, just from listening to spoken Arabic I'd imagine that that language lends itself to this kind of lingual licentiousness.

paulunderwood 2006-03-22 03:38

One of my favourite jokes:

A man goes into a pub and walks up to the bar and asks the buxom barmaid for a "double entendre". "Certainly, sir" said she and gave him one. :lol:

mfgoode 2006-03-22 08:04

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
Paul[/QUOTE]
Reply to Xilman
[QUOTE=xilman]Nope, it's as I said --- cost-effectiveness.

You can make anything fly, even an elephant, if you make it go fast enough --- meaning providing it with powerful enough engines --- and a smart enough attitude control system.

Consider the space shuttle. It has the aerodynamics of the average house brick. It's worse than a bathtub but better than a bunch of keys. Nonetheless, it flies.


Paul[/QUOTE]
:smile:
Well to solve the dispute going on I give some basic aerodynamics facts.
There are principally two major forces required to counter the natural forces which come into play when an object is subjected to fly.

1) The drag, which is countered by the thrust.
2) The weight which is countered by the lift
The thrust depends on the propulsion engines

The lift is obtained by a wide enough wing span if the object is not a rocket
When the object achieves enough speed the object gets enough lift to take it off the ground by overcoming the weight of the object.

The space shuttle is streamlined for minimum drag. The wings are there for the Lift. The satellite it carries is put in a nose cone.

Here is a simple experiment anyone can perform.
Take a thin strip of paper 1 inch wide and 6 inches long and put it between two fingers so the paper droops down. Blow over the strip laterally and you will find it rises up, the stronger the blow the higher the lift
Mally :coffee:

99.94 2006-03-22 08:24

A termite walked into a pub and asked, "is the bar tender here?"

hhh 2006-03-22 12:44

A Panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich, eats it, shoots the barkeeper and leaves. Why?

[SPOILER]Look up wikipedia, fool: Panda: eats shoots and leaves.[/SPOILER]

mfgoode 2006-03-22 15:32

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:whistle:
A camel walks into a bar and announces "The high balls are on me!"
[spoiler] whisky is served in glasses called high ball glasses [/ spoiler]

ewmayer 2006-03-22 18:41

[QUOTE=hhh]Panda: eats shoots and leaves.[/QUOTE]There is another one along these lines that apparently served as the headline for a British Tabloid's article about a deranged man who escaped from a mental hospital, sexually assaulted a local washing-woman and then fled the scene:

[i]Nut Screws Washer and Bolts[/i]

xilman 2006-03-22 21:54

[QUOTE=mfgoode]The space shuttle is streamlined for minimum drag. The wings are there for the Lift. The satellite it carries is put in a nose cone.
[/QUOTE]
Where to start?

The shuttle has appalling drag characteristics compared with most gliders. It relies on atmospheric drag to slow it down from orbital velocity to a few hundred km/h, from where it can roll along a runway of plausible length.

The wings are there primarily for manoeuvrability, so that the shuttle has a significant cross-range ability and can end up on a selected runway rather than landing with a splash or a thud whereever it happens to fall.

The satellite(s) it carries are held in the cargo bay, well behind the nose. The nose, like most gliders, carries the crew and avionics.


I suppose zero out of three aint too bad, considering.


Paul

Spherical Cow 2006-03-22 23:14

Quote:[*]You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

They can. It isn't cost-effective. And anyway, it's not black it's bright orange.

Quote: I suspect it's not so much the potential expense as the fact that the resulting plane would be much too heavy to ever get off the ground - it would be like trying to put wings on a submarine.

Quote: You can make anything fly, even an elephant, if you make it go fast enough --- meaning providing it with powerful enough engines --- and a smart enough attitude control system.

Consider the space shuttle. It has the aerodynamics of the average house brick. It's worse than a bathtub but better than a bunch of keys. Nonetheless, it flies.

Quote: Not for any significant length of time, it doesn't - and I think you'll find that even (or perhaps especially) on the shuttle much effort was expended to make all the parts as light as they could possibly be and still sustain the propulsive, thermal and aerodynamic loads it encounters on every mission....

Quote: Well to solve the dispute going on I give some basic aerodynamics facts.
There are principally two major forces required to counter the natural forces which come into play when an object is subjected to fly....

Quote: The shuttle has appalling drag characteristics compared with most gliders. It relies on atmospheric drag to slow it down from orbital velocity to a few hundred km/h, from where it can roll along a runway of plausible length.


Suddenly, I'm wondering if this is how the scene in Monty Python's "Holy Grail" was written...the one that devolves into a discussion of the aerodynamics of an African swallow carrying a coconut. Maybe they just asked a few mathematicians to tell jokes for a while.

Norm

That's my favorite scene in the whole movie, by the way!

mfgoode 2006-03-23 14:15

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
[QUOTE=xilman]Where to start?
Paul maybe this will interest You. Im not in any way negating your post but am edifying it.
[url]http://www.space.com/spacenews/businessmonday_060320.html[/url]
Mally :coffee:

robert44444uk 2006-03-23 20:01

Tongue twisters
 
There are a number of nasty tongue twisters in Polish, one of which involve mayflies, and another involving three crosses, and one in French which involve six sausages. but I cannot remember them let alone say them, even in English!

My favourite in the English language is

"The Leith police dismisseth us"

I can't say it sober or tipsy

Regards

Robert Smith

Flatlander 2006-03-24 21:44

Tongue Twister
 
I wish to wash my Irish wrist watch.

mfgoode 2006-03-26 04:24

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:popcorn:
Voted best Irish joke of 2005!


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of

me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's ! drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." :razz:

Mally :coffee:

mfgoode 2006-03-30 08:16

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
[QUOTE=Flatlander]I wish to wash my Irish wrist watch.[/QUOTE]

:yucky: Here's one from WW2 days when I was a kid.

" I feel a feel , a funny feel
A funny feel, feel I,
And when you feel
That funny feel,
You'll feel the same as I"

Here's another:

"She sells sea shells on the sea shore,
The shells she sells are sea shells, I'm sure". :grin:
Mally :coffee:

thechickenman 2006-03-30 11:11

A Jew moved in next door to a Catholic family. The Jew watches the Catholics eat all sorts of food that he can not personally eat- pork, lobstet, shrimp, etc. One day he decided to ask why this was so.

The Catholics informed him that the dietary laws had gone out with the Crucifixion. Looking at this, the Jew decided Catholicism and Judaism... what's the difference? So he converts, and the night before Easter, he's face to face with the local Bishop. The Bishop asks him if he's sure he wants to convert, and teh Jew answers in the affirmative. The Bishops pours oil on his head, slaps him, and says, "You were born a Jew, you have lived a Jew, and now you are Catholic!" The Bishop proceeds to baptise and confirm him.

A year goes on, and it's back to the first Friday of Lent. The (former) Jew is in his back yard, grilling steaks. The Catholic neighbor informs him that there's no eating meat on Fridays during Lent- fish only. Without hesitation, the Jew looks down at the steaks grilling, and says;

"You were born a cow; you died a cow, and now, you are a fish!"

mfgoode 2006-03-30 15:16

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:razz:
Well, at a wedding reception, a catholic priest and a rabbi met at the buffet table.

"Go ahead", said the priest " try one of those delicious ham sandwiches.
Over looking your divine rule just this once wont do you any harm"

" That I will do dear sir," the rabbi replied, "on the day of your marriage!" :lol:
Mally :coffee:

ewmayer 2006-04-02 01:33

So the binary one says to the binary zero, "you realize you're totally worthless." The binary zero replies, "am not."

Fusion_power 2006-04-02 03:19

This bruiser of a bartender had decided he was one of the strongest men in the world so he put a thousand dollars in a fishbowl on his bar as prize money. His brag was that he would squeeze a lemon and anyone who could squeeze so much as another drop of juice out of the lemon could have the money.

One night a huge guy walks up to the bar and says he would like to try. The bartender promptly grabs a lemon, holds it over a glass, and squeezes mightily. About a cup of juice is in the glass. The bartender then hands the lemon rind to the big guy who squeezes for all he is worth. He gets the tiniest bit of moisture to appear on the tip of the lemon which of course is not a drop. The bartender asks him how he was able to do that and he says "Well, I'm a longshoreman and you have to be pretty strong to make it on the docks."

Another guy in a business suit walks up and says he would like to try. The bartender hands him the lemon rind and he squeezes producing about half a drop of juice which of course is not quite a drop. The bartender asks him how he was able to do that and he says "Well, I'm a lawyer and everybody knows a good lawyer can squeeze a turnip till it bleeds."

At this point, a scrawny nerd with glasses like the bottoms of coke bottles walks up and says he would like to give it a try. Everybody laughs, but the bartender hands him the lemon rind and he promptly squeezes a teaspoon of juice from the lemon. He puts the now powder dry rind on the bar and it crumbles into dust. The bartender, in amazement, asks him how he was able to do that and he says "Well, I do that everyday for a living, I work for the IRS!"

mfgoode 2006-04-04 11:57

Dumb Jokes Thread
 
:razz:
A lone tourist in New York, visiting a math. society, hopes to make some contact with another.
He dials a number at random.
On comes the recorded voice "You have dialed an imaginary number. Multiply by ' i ' and dial again!" :grin:
Mally :coffee:

Kees 2006-04-04 12:40

Thoughtless
 
If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence,
what happens to the other penny ?

Uncwilly 2006-04-04 13:37

[QUOTE=Kees]If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence, what happens to the other penny ?[/QUOTE]
That is better than only having ha'penny.

ewmayer 2006-04-05 17:02

[QUOTE=Kees]If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence, what happens to the other penny ?[/QUOTE]Actually, since it is usual to offer someone a penny for their thoughts, if the thinker replies by giving their 2 cents' worth, that would mean the penny giver got a 2-for-1 discount.

Quoth the poet/salesman, "It's not free verse ... but it is deeply discounted."

cheesehead 2006-04-05 21:12

[quote=Kees]If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence, what happens to the other penny ?[/quote]
It becomes a tip-pence, of course.

sdbardwick 2006-04-06 05:03

[URL="http://forums.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=3138248&view=findpost&p=4917419"]New game show here in the US[/URL]
Careful, the rest of the thread is addicting :smile:

mfgoode 2006-04-06 06:21

Save a penny!
 
[QUOTE=Kees]If somebody asks for a penny for your thoughts and you give him a tuppence,
what happens to the other penny ?[/QUOTE]
:razz:
In the early sixties the public toilets in London were free for entrance and use of urinals but a penny was required to open the cubicles. These could only be activated by a penny, and these were large those days in the pound/ shilling/ penny system, and also hard to get.

Hence a penny was always saved up for such occasions. When someone asked for a penny it almost meant for use of the toilets. Hence the saying 'save a penny for the loo'! So it is implied, that one does not expect much of ones thought, and at the worst it can be put otherwise to good use, especially in an emergency ! :grin:

The saying 'save the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.' is of dubious origin but It was also applied in this context as pounds were hard to change into pennies.
Mally :coffee:


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